Bumper Stickers

I hate bumper stickers. I love bumper stickers. What? I’m not making sense? Well, let me explain. I hate bumper stickers because they are ugly, stupid, and tacky. I really don’t care that your kid is an honor roll student. I really don’t care about your political views. Or that Jesus Saves. Stickers that try to be funny or snarky are just as bad. “If you can read this, you’re riding my ass. Back off!” If I can read it, I’m riding your ass because you’re driving like a moron and need to go back to driving school. “I see stupid people.” Oh, so do I. I’m looking at them driving a car with a stupid bumper sticker right now. What might be even worse than bumper stickers are window stickers. Fear this! stickers kill me. The only thing I fear is you procreating. Or how about the ever popular Calvin peeing on . I’ve got an idea. Quick, someone make a Calvin peeing on Calvin peeing on things sticker. I’d buy thousands and carry them around with me and stick them on every car I see with the Calvin sticker. Confederate flags are another pet peeve. Quit lying to yourself. The flag is not a symbol of states rights. In fact, the people who claim that are usually the ones that want the federal government controlling our lives even more (unless it has to do with their guns). The flag is a symbol of the enslaving of an entire race. If you want to symbolize states rights, create a new one.

I love bumper stickers because when I’m driving and see the wonderful pieces of tackiness, I can automatically, with 99.9% accuracy, tell that you are, in fact, a complete moron that I don’t want to waste any part of my life on. It’s basically an early warning system for morons and douche bags. So, in that respect, I am thankful. Every once in a while, bumper stickers are ok. If you’re a high school teenager with a crappy car and you plaster the back of it with your favorite bands, it’s ok. You’re making lemonade out of lemons. I also enjoy seeing an old VW Beetle rocking the “It’s a Jeep thing and you wouldn’t understand” bumper sticker. That’s funny. I might want to hang out with that guy. But probably not. I also sometimes enjoy political stickers. I only enjoy them if they are rocking the sticker of the opponent of my guy and my guy won. When I see people still rocking the McCain/Caribou Barbie sticker I let out a little chuckle. Your guy lost. My guy won.

I guess bumper stickers are a necessary evil. They tell me who the dumb people are without me actually going through the time and pain of talking to them to figure it out myself. I hate bumper stickers, yet I love them.